No reason why would suffice and my heart won´t mend over the how and when you left. Liza´s birthday last year was to be the last time I´d lay eyes on you. An insubstantial consolation, at least every detail of that night is vividly etched in my memory. It´s both how I want to and will remember you.
Going through the photographs after you died, it´s so clear that you were ill then. In person you seemed absolutely fine. You never realy looked all that healthy to begin with. That night though, you were OK, recovered from the pneumothorax, maybe even a bit upbeat for you, smiling, listening, joking, talking... well mumbling, laughing & going up to the Larry Lawrence fishbowl just to smell the smoke. You were yourself. You were Jim and you were alive.
Out in Brooklyn with some of our closest friends. Celebrating. Immersed in conversation and catching up. We were holding Liza aloft and out gay-ing Crazy Dave and Frost and we were with Meg and she was wearing the hat and there was a parasol toting, tutu freak wearing a sombrero and the guy from Dave´s t-shirt was posing for a photo with Dave´s t-shirt and Frost was leaping for Spongebob for Liza and you were a wallflower while the girls danced to DJ Worst-Ever-In-Brooklyn and I made you dance. I lead, I spun you, I dipped you, I asked if it was hurting your lung, your face cracked from a sheepish expression and stretched into your broad, mischievous Cheshire cat grin and you laughed and laughed (I have a photo of Jim laughing on that night, it´s several thousand miles away at the moment, I´ll try to post it here when I get back).
When you went home we hugged. I told you I loved you, I told you that I missed you and we´d see each other again at Christmas. I didn´t come home for Christmas. We didn´t see each other. We won´t see one another again. We´re all completely crushed whenever we think of you then realize you´re not here with us anymore Jimmy.
It was our first and last dance. I don´t want another dance. I want to see my friend again. I want him back. He was such an uncommon person and he left far too large a hollow behind.
I love you Jimmy Baby and I miss you very much.
* I always preferred Jimmy Baby over Jimmy Honey. In my head, for some reason, it´s always enunciated in Telly Savalas´ voice. I don´t know why that´s fitting, it just is.